“We can use spiritual practices to keep God at arm’s length.” I heard that in my first year of studying Spiritual Direction. It stuck with me. Though it jarred me, it seemed right. I knew I had done it myself in some seasons, and God had shown me better. Among other negative effects, Spiritual Bypassing can prevent people from getting healing for their trauma. It can keep relationships superficial and avoid intimacy with others and with God.
In the late 1980’s John Welwood coined this term to describe how people use spirituality at times to suppress or avoid pain instead of working through it. What makes this problem particularly difficult to tackle is that on the surface, it seems theologically accurate.
Typical examples of spiritual bypassing may include statements like “I shouldn’t be upset, I need to just trust God,” or “I should just forgive and move on,” or “I need to have more faith so I have less anxiety,” or “God will use this for my good,” or “I will trust God to work it out” rather than having a difficult conversation.
The problem with all of these examples is that at the surface of it, they are all correct. Of course we can and need to trust God. Of course we have to forgive, that is non-negotiable. We know that God uses all things for our good. The problem is not that these statements are wrong, it is that they are being applied without appropriate discernment.
When we are faced with difficult emotions, the theology of the psalms tells us that we are invited to put all of our feelings to words, and bring those words to God. We are not to suppress or avoid them. When the psalmist is sinned against, he brings his pain to God as he works his way towards forgiveness. When his world is turned upside down, he expresses his bewilderment in great honesty, as he works his way towards trusting God again.
Naming our emotions helps to regulate them. Naming them to God expands and deepens our relationship with him so it can hold the greater pain of his cross and ours. Not doing so keeps our relationship with God at a much more superficial level.
Spiritual Bypassing also keeps us from washing each other’s feet. It keeps our feet firmly planted on the ground, not allowing others to see or touch the dirt that is there to help clean it. It also keeps us from receiving the healing that James tells us comes when we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other.
Another problem is that spiritual bypass does bring a little bit of relief. Much of the earlier work in trauma care tried to create a competing narrative, that would use our cognitive abilities to develop alternative neural pathways. This did help, but it was limited in its impact. It did not alter the deeper traumatic experience and the associated distortions of reality.
The science of Memory Reconsolidation, described so well by Bruce Ecker in his book “Unlocking The Emotional Brain,” tells us that deeper and more transformative methods are available to change both the trauma and the associated distortions of reality. This however requires feeling some of the feelings again. Spiritual Bypassing however, will not allow us to feel some of those same feelings again, and ends up getting in the way of deeper healing.
Correcting issues with attachment also requires revisiting emotional challenges and receiving attunement on a regular basis. Spiritual bypassing would short-circuit this as well.
I am sure this does not exhaust all the examples, but I think I’ve made the point. There are times when we need to express our pain to others and to God, and not hide it behind well-meaning phrases that may be quite sincere, but incorrectly applied. Otherwise we risk resisting God rather than following him and responding to his invitations.
How do we know when we are invited to lean into the pain with God versus moving forward in faith that he invites us into? That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I am a big fan of Ignatian discernment and the prayer of Examen as a way to notice these movements. Some decisions we make result in us feeling further away from God, and some help us draw near. Learning to notice these movements as we practice the Examen helps us to become more discerning. Another option is to discuss it with our spiritual director or someone whose wisdom we respect.
May God grant us fruitful discernment on a daily basis.