We all need to be loved. Getting our needs for love met drives so much of our behaviors. Conversely, many of our behaviors are motivated by a fear of losing love. This is the reason shame is such a painful emotion. Shame creates a fear of losing love.
Shame says that there is something about me that makes me less worthy of human connection, acceptance, and love. Deep in our brains, this is perceived as an existential threat. We humans, by nature, are communal creatures. In our pre-civilization environments, our safety and survival depended on belonging to a group. Exile from that group likely meant a death sentence. Belonging and acceptance are therefore deeply embedded needs in our brains. Any threat to losing these creates distress.
On the other hand, having no shame creates significant relational issues. Can you imagine someone with no ability to feel shame? Shame creates limits on behavior that allow for healthy relationships.
Brenee Brown, a well-known author in this space, defines shame as a perception of self that makes you less worthy of human connection. She contrasts that with guilt, which is a result of something you do, where you are given the message that something you did was wrong.
Other authors[i] see a slightly more nuanced view of shame. They divide shame into two categories, healthy shame and toxic shame. Toxic shame is a message of shame given with no relational connection, and no way to restore the connection. The message is something like “you are bad and I don’t want anything to do with you.” On the other hand, healthy shame is all about affirming the relationship while delivering the message “I still love you and accept you, but there’s something I’d like you to do differently.”
I tend to agree with the second view because my experience is that any kind of feedback, to most people, that they have done something wrong will elicit some sense of shame. This is so even when the feedback is clearly related to an action and not something about them, and even if the message is clearly about the action and not the person.
All of us, to some extent or another, curate the image of ourselves that we want others to see. We hide the things that we feel ashamed of, the things that we fear will cause others to not want to connect with us. In her research, Dr. Brenee Brown found that the number one variable associated with a sense of connection in a relationship was vulnerability. She also found that most people fear vulnerability because of a fear of shame.
The way to break out of the endless hiding of shame is to be vulnerable with trusted people, and share what we are ashamed of. If they are trustworthy, their response will be one of love and acceptance, which is the opposite message that shame sends. This will then bring healing of the shame. James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” This is slightly different from 1 John 1:9, where Jesus says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The difference is that healing comes when we involve another person. Confession of sins is vulnerable work, and when we are vulnerable with each other, a loving and accepting response brings healing.
A significant and troublesome aspect of continuing to “hide” what we feel is shameful, and curate what we let others see, is that it takes mental energy. The more we have to think about what we need to hide and what we want to present to others, the more energy it takes. That can be referred to as a type of cognitive Load[ii]. This is energy that is taking us away from things God wants for us, things he would rather we invest this energy in, and likely things that give us and others more life.
It is not surprising then that twelve step programs include this as steps 4 and 5.
Step 4 of AA: Conduct an honest, fearless inventory of your thoughts, behaviors, and past harms.
Step 5 of AA: Confide those findings to your Higher Power, yourself, and a trusted person.
This goes a long way to releasing a person from the heavy cognitive load that they carry.
The scripture that comes to mind is Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Jesus seems to be saying that there are things that we can learn from him that will make our burden lighter. I believe that one of those things is what we see him teaching the disciples in John 13 about washing each other’s feet.
In that culture, most people would feel shame to have a person of higher status wash their feet. Feet were considered a low status part of the body, and that is still the case in many cultures today. What’s more, showing a person of higher status your “dirt” is shameful. There is a general sense we get from this passage that Jesus wants the disciples to serve each other out of love, and for leaders to serve those who follow them. I believe that Jesus is saying something more as well, something we observe in his conversation with Peter when Jesus was washing his disciples’ feet.
Peter at first resists Jesus’ attempts to wash his feet. When Jesus tells him it’s not optional, then Peter in his zeal asks Jesus to wash all of him. Jesus’ response has always intrigued me. He tells Peter that he has taken a bath and does not need another one. When did Peter take a bath? Some would say it was at his baptism. I would like to offer an alternative. I wonder if the three years that Peter spent with Jesus, living with him, sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings with him, bringing to Jesus all the things he was ashamed of, and receiving loving acceptance in response, is the bath that Jesus was talking about?
This would then parallel exactly what happens in twelve step programs in steps four and five. These steps are effectively the “bath” taken by recovering addicts, and after that, they only need to have their feet washed, which is what they do at their regular meetings.
There may be a season then in our journey of discipleship where God calls us to do steps 4 and 5. That is followed by a need to continually have a small circle of people with whom we can be vulnerable about new issues of shame that come up. Receiving their continuous love and acceptance will keep our yoke easy and our burden light.
[i] Jim Wilder and Michel Hendricks in The Other Half of Church
[ii] Dopamine Nation, p192