"I wish I could take those words back" is unfortunately something most of us experience at some point. We all know the regret of saying things in the heat of an argument that we regret dearly later. We wish so much that we did not say things, but it's just too late. We all know what it's like to be triggered. We are usually either very angry or very afraid. When we are in such a state, we tend to feel either overly activated or shut down. Neither extreme is good. Both can damage relationships, and it is not God’s desire for us. Let’s dive in…
The Amygdala, in our emotional brain, is a small structure that generates fear and anger. When the amygdala is overactive, it causes our logical thinking brain to function less effectively. In 1996, Daniel Goleman came up with a term for this in his book on Emotional Intelligence. He called it the "Amygdala Hijack." When our Amygdala is "hijacked", how we relate to others is heavily impacted. Dr. Dan Siegel describes this as a "reactive state" and in that state "it's just not possible to connect with another person."[i] He describes it as a "shutting off" of the "social engagement system" that connects us with others. Dr. Karl Lehman describes it as a turning off of our "relational circuits."[ii]
So many relationships are damaged when people act or speak in unhelpful ways when they are triggered. I have come to recognize that the absolute best thing to do when I am triggered is to say as little as possible. The second best thing I have learned is not to make any decisions during those times either.
This is not just a modern psychological observation. The Apostle James says that The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire (James 3:6) and in James 1:26 he says we must keep a tight reign on our tongues.
St. Ignatius of Loyola speaks of the importance of noticing when we are in desolation versus consolation. Desolation is a movement away from God, while consolation is a movement towards God. Most if not all instances of triggering will fall under desolation. What's more, Ignatius says that we should never make decisions during desolation. In desolation he says we are more prone to be listening to darkness than light, so we should be very very careful during those times. Our number one effort needs to be to move towards consolation.
Similarly, when we are triggered, our number one priority needs to be to get out of being triggered.[iii] The first step of course is to notice that we are indeed triggered. That takes practice and self-awareness. Loyola suggests we review our consolations and desolations daily so we get better and better at it. He calls this the prayer of Examen.
Once we are aware that we are triggered, we can exercise self-restraint, pray for it, or ask others to pray for us. If we can receive attunement from someone (someone who can reflect back to us what we are feeling), that is ideal, but not often available. Instead we can speak with understanding to ourselves the way someone else would, telling ourselves mindfully that we are angry or fearful, that this will pass, and that it's best not to say or decide anything at the moment. Finally we can take some steps to disengage until this trigger passes and we feel more like ourselves and can engage relationally again.
Finally, when we start to see patterns in our desolations, when we get to know our vulnerabilities, we can pray about them ahead of time. We can pray for the next time we will be triggered, and ask the Lord for help ahead of time to notice it, not speak hurtfully or act badly in it, and to have the capacity and the help we need to get untriggered.
X. Nader Sahyouni, DMin, LCPC
[i] Dan Siegel, Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation (NY: Bantam Books, 2011), 214-215.
[ii] Karl Lehman, Outsmarting Yourself (Las Vegas: This Joy Books, 2011), 102
[iii] E. James Wilder, Anna Kang, John Loppnow, and Sungshim Loppnow, Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel (East Peoria, IL: Shepherd’s House Inc., 2015), 28.
